Last Will and Conviction
by Hon. Dr White Kettle, Former Steward of the National Purse
I, Hon. Dr White Kettle, being of sound memory but compromised morality, do hereby declare:
All my liabilities: shall go to the state—where they rightly belong.
30% of my assets: shall go to the state, in honour of the loopholes that served me well.
50% of my assets: shall go to my family—who knew, but never asked questions.
20% of my assets: shall go to the Foundation for the Reparation of Financial Crimes, which I helped inspire.
Royalties of my book, titled “How Not to Manage State Funds”: shall go to the state.
All debts to the people: I consider spiritual, and therefore unpayable.
Hang my body on the tree at the entrance of the public cemetery. There shall be no wake. Let the silence mourn louder than my eulogies deserve.